If you're not a perfectionist, then please...still hang in there with me, and let me help you understand living life in the eye's of a struggling perfectionist.
Some people can confuse perfectionism with competitiveness. Now, don't get me wrong I'm am 100% competitive; however, being a perfectionist often sucks all of the fun out of competition. I remember my first hint of perfectionism coming in Kindergarten. I was 5 years old (soon to be 6 because it was nearing the end of the school year). Pendleton's South Elementary was holding a Kindergarten Olympics. I suppose this was my generation's version of the track and field day that current elementary schools are doing. Instead of the Kindergarten Olympics being held at a track, it was held out at the park in downtown Pendleton. The last event of the day, and the one that everyone was looking forward to was the running race! Remember when you were in elementary school and we just loved to run??...where did that energy go? LOL
I had been looking forward to this race all day, and I knew there really would only be one girl to beat. Today I don't even remember her name! But I knew that she was considered one of the "fast girls", and that day she was my only focus (yes...I was only 5). So the race started, and at that point I was just bound and determined to get off to a good start and keep up with the "fast girl". I remember coming up to the last turn...still pretty neck in neck but she had a slight lead on me. There was a moment when this feeling of angst came over me which then turned into fear when I realized there was a possibility that I could lose. It was in that moment I remember kicking it up another notch, and giving it everything I had, because there was NO WAY I was letting this girl beat me. Well, the extra umph helped and I was the winner...I had "won the race". A huge sense of relief came over me in that instant...followed by joy and happiness of course, and probably a sting of pride, that I was at the time considered the fastest girl in Kindergarten! I know...not much of a title, but at the time I was thrilled, and looked forward to having my name announced on the announcements the next day as the winner of the race.
After that race, I think the feeling of anxiety and fear I experienced in the midst of it somehow bottled itself up in me and I never forgot that moment, and I was bound and determined to never experience that feeling again. This resulted in some very stressful and sometimes painful moments in my life in regards to sports, education, relationships, and life in general. However, one of the biggest (and worst) consequences (in my opinion) that comes from my perfectionism is the fact that there have been many moments in my life that I have decided NOT to do something because of my fear of failure and desire to be perfect. If I'm not confident in it, and I'm not sure I can "win" or "be perfect in it" then why even try? Because if I don't try then I won't even have a chance of experiencing that horrible feeling of angst and fear I had that day back in Kindergarten.
You see...the saying "Practice makes perfect" sets and expectation...that if I practice I will reach perfection. Sure this motivates some people, but for me it only results in disappointment when perfection is never reached. Because here's the big secret...."NO BODY'S PERFECT"!!! Whew....feels good to say that!
I experienced a different side this week. You see, with my husband being gone the house is my responsibility. This means the yard is also my responsibility. This was never something I even thought of when Austin was home because he is Mr. Yard! With him taking care of things we have one of the best looking yards in the neighborhood...nice striped mowing lines and all! Austin taught me how to mow before he left for Florida. Now...I know how to mow, but I don't know how to mow our yard in "Austin Style". So I had to learn. This week was my first week doing this. I've never ever offered to mow for Austin before, because I knew there was no way it would be perfect enough or live up to his mowing expectations. Going into the mow this week, I had super low expectations...I'm not a mower, I don't do well walking in straight lines (no jokes please), and the last time I mowed a yard I went around in circles on a riding mower! So needless to say I had ZERO expectations going into this mow, and I knew there was no way that I would be perfect at it, but I knew that I needed to start sometime and the more I do it the better I will get...I will never be as good as Austin (which in my book is perfection when it comes to his mowing skills), but I will get better.
I could go on and on about how perfectionism has affected my life, but this blog is already long enough! So to the Lesson Learned part:
I have to "win" in the race of life because Christ has already won the race for me! 1John4:4 "But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world."
Lord, I never want to again miss an opportunity that you have put in my path because of my desire to be perfect and my fear of failure. Help me to always remember the sacrifice Christ made on my behalf in my moments of anxiety, doubt and fear. Write Your words on my heart, "Well done, good and faithful servant." And help me to always remember that we will always have victory in You. Thank you for sending Your Son to die, to fix and forgive all of my imperfections....Lord....Lesson Learned!
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| A picture of the yard after the mow...ignore the dry spots I've been watering it like crazy, it's just WAY too hot and dry here in Indiana! |
I love this and will look forward to every blog. Thank you ol' Young wise one! This is a fantastic idea and you and Austin look "FABULOUS DARLING"
ReplyDeleteLOVE YA BOTH